In a world that praises grit, output, and resilience, I spent years pushing myself to meet expectations—some real, many self-imposed. I measured progress by productivity and worth by achievement. But underneath the success, I often carried an inner voice that was far harsher than any external critic. It wasn’t until I started practicing kindness toward myself—not as a reward, but as a discipline—that things truly started to shift. What began as small internal permissions turned into a more sustainable way of living, leading, and showing up.
The Hidden Toll of Self-Criticism
Like many high-achievers, I long believed that being hard on myself was the fuel that kept me sharp, focused, and driven. That critical inner voice felt like a coach—tough, but necessary. I told myself it was the price of excellence. I know I’m not alone in this thinking; many of us have internalized the idea that self-compassion is soft or indulgent, or even maybe a little dangerous.
But over time, I began to notice the cost. The constant mental pressure was exhausting. The fear of falling short became paralyzing in moments that called for creativity or courage. And the louder that inner critic became, the more disconnected I felt from my own intuition. I was performing, rather than leading. I was achieving, but not thriving. And perhaps most importantly, I was rarely giving myself credit—only more to-do lists and higher expectations.
Reframing Kindness as Strength
The turning point wasn’t a dramatic breakdown—it was subtle. I began to realize that I wasn’t leading others with the same harshness I reserved for myself. In fact, I was coaching, mentoring, and managing others with empathy, grace, and encouragement. So why wasn’t I offering the same to myself?
That question reframed everything. I began to understand that kindness isn’t the opposite of accountability—it’s the foundation of resilience. When I extend compassion to myself, especially in moments of stress or failure, I’m far more likely to recover, recalibrate, and keep going. Self-kindness doesn’t lower standards. Self-kindness strengthens my ability to meet those standards over time, because I’m not burning out or tripping myself up in the process.
What Self-Kindness Looks Like in Practice
Today, self-kindness often begins with a pause―a brief moment where I catch myself mid-thought. When the inner critic flares up and says, “You should’ve handled that better,” or “Why can’t you get it all done faster?” that pause allows me to ask, Would I say this to someone I lead or love?
That single question shifts my perspective. It gives me space to reframe my thinking, to choose words that are still honest, but not punishing. Kindness sounds like: “That was tough, and you’re doing your best.” or, “You missed the mark, but you’ll learn and show up better next time.” It doesn’t excuse missteps—it puts them in context.
Practicing kindness also means giving myself permission to rest without guilt, to set boundaries, and to be proud of progress, not just outcomes. It’s a daily mindset—one I often have to return to, especially when the pace picks up or the pressure builds.
The Leadership Impact
Self-kindness isn’t just personal—it directly impacts how I lead. When I extend compassion to myself, I’m more patient with others, I listen more deeply, I’m less reactive and more thoughtful. My decisions are clearer because they’re not clouded by fear or self-doubt. And I’m more confident—not because I believe I have all the answers, but because I know I can handle the process by being adaptable and authentic.
When leaders model this internal steadiness, it ripples. Teams feel it. Cultures shift. People begin to see that grace and accountability can coexist.
It’s a Practice, Not a Finish Line
This didn’t happen overnight. Self-kindness, for me, is still a work in progress. I have to relearn it often. There are days when my inner critic is louder, when old habits creep back in, but I’ve learned not to meet that with more judgment. Instead, I remind myself: This is part of the practice.
So if you’re reading this and thinking, “That sounds good, but I don’t know where to start,” let me offer this—start with a pause. Catch the thought. Ask yourself if you’d say it to someone else. Then, try again—gently.
We don’t build resilience by pushing harder. We build it by treating ourselves like someone worth rooting for.
About the Author
Carrie Carpenter – Senior Director, Content and Partnership Development
Joining Signature Leaders in February of 2022, Carrie brings with her over a decade of learning and development experience, as well as a passion for fostering authentic, trusting business relationships. As Senior Director for Content and Partnership Development, Carrie drives content creation efforts at Signature Leaders for new offerings and alumni programs.
Prior to coming on board with Signature Leaders, Carrie most recently served in a variety of roles for the Sales Learning and Development team at Anthem Blue Cross and Blue Shield. Her responsibilities included managing a training team, leading training efforts for the Client Development and Client Management teams and coordinating and developing content for large-scale sales conferences and events. Carrie has a genuine enthusiasm and commitment toward championing others’ successes.
Carrie was born and raised in the greater Cincinnati area. She received her Bachelor of Arts in Psychology from Morehead State University and her Master of Science in Industrial/Organizational Psychology from Northern Kentucky University. Carrie is a holistic health enthusiast and enjoys time at the gym, cooking nutritious meals, and focusing on a mental and spiritual growth mindset. She also savors any opportunity to spend time with family and friends. Carrie is an amateur globetrotter, always seeking a new adventure and a chance to experience other cultures and cuisines. She enjoys being outdoors in the sunshine and is also an avid college football fan.
